What is Analogue Cheese?

Not a question I expect to be asking myself on a Sunday night.

But browsing the freezer of your nearest cornershop tends to leave you with a basketful of questions. Or, at worst, spectacularly poor answers.

This San Marco pizza presented the answer to a question I never dreamt I’d ask. What is analogue cheese?

“Deep pan pizza topped with analogue cheese, reformed ham, mushrooms and mozzarella cheese.”

You can add another question to that list. Who are San Marco pizza? They were offloaded by Heinz in 2003 and picked up by Northern Foods sometime after that. The rest is mystery.

But Google analogue cheese and you get a quick, cheery answer:

[Update: European Foods appear to have cleaned up this page since I took the screengrab.]

“Cutting your costs, building your profits”? That sounds a bit like industry salespeak now, doesn’t it…

Delightfully, it is. Not only do companies seem bound to state analogue cheese as an ingredient on their packaging, but muppets are running their online shop.

The manufacturer might want to “emulate cheese” and “imagine the savings!”, but the consumer will do a little sick in the back of their mouth at the sight of this thinly-stretched masquerading imposter.

And it’s top of the SEO pops for the term ‘analogue cheese’.

A victory for online transparency?

Or does it just beg another question – what is digital cheese?

More Bad Language: Dogs Down the Sh*tter; P*ssed Kids Film Drivers; Give Chihuahuas A Little F*cking Respect.

24 comments so far

  1. Audrey on

    Haha, this site makes analogue cheese sounds even better! Who cares that it lacks nutritional value so long as it tastes decent and has longer shelf life and saves money?!

  2. guy bingley on

    Less nutritional value than substitute cheese? Wow! I wonder how it stacks up compared to a mouthful of plastic? Or eating a photo of real cheese?

  3. amelia on

    bloody brilliant, in a dreadful “what kind of world are we living in” kind of way

  4. NOdeh on

    How much is the fat content (%) in analogue Mozzarella cheese? Is it higher or lower in fat than natural Mozzarella or is it the same?

    • Deano on

       Zero trans fats
       Zero cholesterol
       High in Omega 3

      No lactose

  5. guy bingley on

    I’m afraid I’m no nutritionalist. But my hunch is you shouldn’t put this stuff in your mouth.

  6. Jason on

    Yes I found the need to google ‘analogue cheese’ after buying a pizza from the local cornershop. I’m not drawn to substitute dairy products, especially not fake cheese. good page.

  7. mymagic on

    There is a wide variety of alternatives to dairy products, some of them having high nutritional values, and offering benefits for the environment, health, animal welfare or world nutrition. Here is an interesting website about these positive new inventions http://www.futurefood.org/soymilk/index_en.php . And then there are these cheap analogue cheeses with possibly poor nutritional value (or maybe not?). Anyway, one should not mix that up!

  8. Andy Jones on

    Shut up, mymagic. No one believes your PR masquerading as a real person rubbish.

  9. patty on

    i had to google analogue cheese to find out about it after I bought a san marco pizza because it was sooo truly disgusting!! Had a weird flavour that had an unpleasant but creamy kind of aftertaste. Not recommended unless you are truly desperate (or as weird as the analogue cheese is I guess!)

  10. Nadia on

    Oh, crap. I have my first ever San Marco pizza in the oven right now. I’m dreading this.

    • Marky Mark on

      Me too! I’m now dreading my evening meal and wishing I’d gone for the good old MSG loaded Chinese that I was thinking of getting instead. I see the ham on the pizza is ‘reformed’ too! Still I think the mushrooms (7%) are real 🙂

  11. Dina on

    “Oh, crap. I have my first ever San Marco pizza in the oven right now. I’m dreading this.”

    Exactly the same position. They had a 1+1 offer and so I took the packaging without even looking over it which was a big mistake but it looked like good quality.
    I hope it turns out ok cause I have another one which should be my lunch tomorrow 😐

  12. Daniel Smedegaard Buus on


    I also felt the need to google “analogue cheese” after being lured into buying this “offer of the week” pizza from the grocer. I thought it was just a really funny typo, but the truth is frightening.

    Like Dina, I also didn’t bother to look closer at the package. Even worse, I don’t usually buy these frozen things, it was just so cheap 😦

    The back of the package listing the ingredients is equally scary;

    Wheat flour, water, cheese flavour analogue (9%) (water, vegetable oil, milk proteins, starch, salt, emulsifying salgs: sodium citrates, sodium phosphates, colour: beta carotene), reformed ham with added water (7%) (pork, water, salt, potato starch, dextrose, stabilisers: di and triphosphates; rosemary extract, antioxidant: sodium ascobrate; preservative: sodium nitrite), mushroom (7%), tomato puree, mozzarella cheese (3%), vegetable oil, yeast, starch, dextrose, salt, basil, sugar, garlic puree, cheese powder, black pepper, flour treatment agent: ascorbic acid.

    Hmmm… In my kitchen the ingredients would be flour, water, salt, yeast, tomatoes, mozarella cheese, mushrooms, ham, and oregano.

    At least they didn’t “reform” or “preprocess” the mushroom. Guess it contains enough water on its own already.

    Yikes 😦

  13. Helsbels on

    Just read this thread as my San Marco pizza was waiting for the oven to heat up. I decided there was no way I was putting that in my kid’s mouths so I’ve popped it in the bin & ordered from our local Italian instead!

    • Mand on

      Good for you!

  14. scan on

    googled analogue cheese don’t look so good
    but it’s in the kitchen waiting hope the mushrooms are ok.

  15. Liam on

    I read this while cooking it. Now typing whilst eating it. Tbh, it tastes like those weird cheese slices. I’ve had worse.

  16. david on

    HD blueray cheese out soon!

  17. Lorraine Bartlett on

    Not really found what analogue cheese is….but now concentrating on DIGITAL cheese!….the plot/sauce thickens………………….

  18. scottuz! on

    just say no!!!! isnt that what they say

  19. scottuz! on

    saw the analogue cheese about six months ago have been laffin since the my wife found your site and now we both wetting ourselfs

  20. Dave Howes on

    The milk comes from Moogcows……

    • Daniel Smedegaard Buus on

      LOL! Oh, I love being subscribed to this post. Every few months, someone else was attacked by the Analogue Cheese Monster 😀

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